Motherhood

I thought that it would be instant, you know, clouds splitting with sun rays peeking through with a choir singing in the background. That perfect moment when your baby comes out and you instantly feel maternal and like this is the best thing in the whole entire world. Well, for me it wasn't. I cried to Matt many times in the hospital and during the first couple of weeks, "What have we done? Have we made a mistake?" It did not happen like I thought. I know that it is not this way for everyone - while I thought "why would people ever do this more than once?" Mom said she thought, "oh...I can't wait to do this again." I'm not sure why it was different for me. I have always felt like a more maternal person, but I think that the way that females of my generation are raised presents a stark contrast to motherhood. We are used to freedom and repeated lessons that we can do and be whatever we want. We do not see our sole purpose in life to raise babies.

Now that I am nine weeks into motherhood, things feel very different. I am loving every moment of it! Waking up at odd hours, changing gross diapers, and being spit up on seem almost fun. I love every little smile and every new accomplishment. I miss him at night when I don't see him for 6 hours. I cannot imagine life without him.

Which brings me to what is really on my mind....residency is quickly approaching. In one month from today, I begin my job. I am scared, no, not scared - TERRIFIED! Terrified that I could actually kill someone. Terrified that during my months off my brain has turned to mush, and I will look stupid. Terrified to find out if I made the right choice in specialty and program. But most of all, terrified about being away from my baby. And, we are not talking 40 hour work week, we are talking 80 hours a week. How this is possible I have not quite figured out. Over the past few weeks, I have thought "Would I actually like being a stay at home mom?" This thought lasts about 10 seconds and then I realize how bored I am already. I mean, I think I drive Matt crazy when he gets home because I have been so bored - and this is with everything that we have going on right now. So, while staying home would not be good for me and is not even an option, I wonder what the ideal situation would be, but realize I have no choice. In a way, this is perfect - I don't have to decide anything. I don't have the choice to give up my career.

So, with the 80 hour work week approaching, this is my promise. I will do everything in my power to be the best mother possible. I know that it will seem impossible at times to balance motherhood and work, but I know that I can do it. I will make sure that Carter smiles at me when I get home from work because he knows who I am. I will make sure that when he scrapes his knee he won't run past me to his dad. I will make sure that he knows and feels how much I love him. This is my promise.

Finally, I can say for sure that motherhood is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. I feel the light coming through the clouds. I hear the chorus singing every time he smiles. And, I already cannot wait for the next one. :)