Schedule

For those of you who might be interested, here is my schedule for next year:

July: OB
August: Internal Medicine
September: OB
October: General Surgery
November: OB
December: Ultrasound
January: Gyn Onc
February: OB
March: ER
April: Internal Medicine
May: Gyn Onc
June: OB

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. Right now we are having a lot of "lasts." Although Matt and I are not in love with the city of Augusta and are excited about our move, we have made some wonderful friends here who we will miss dearly. Yesterday, we took probably our last walk to the canal with Maggie and Riley's friends.

Chillin

Last night we had a great time at Matt's end of the year Math department party. Out of 16 teachers 10 have had/are having a baby in an 18 month span, so there were lots of babies for Carter to hang out with. Here is a picture of him relaxing.

Motherhood

I thought that it would be instant, you know, clouds splitting with sun rays peeking through with a choir singing in the background. That perfect moment when your baby comes out and you instantly feel maternal and like this is the best thing in the whole entire world. Well, for me it wasn't. I cried to Matt many times in the hospital and during the first couple of weeks, "What have we done? Have we made a mistake?" It did not happen like I thought. I know that it is not this way for everyone - while I thought "why would people ever do this more than once?" Mom said she thought, "oh...I can't wait to do this again." I'm not sure why it was different for me. I have always felt like a more maternal person, but I think that the way that females of my generation are raised presents a stark contrast to motherhood. We are used to freedom and repeated lessons that we can do and be whatever we want. We do not see our sole purpose in life to raise babies.

Now that I am nine weeks into motherhood, things feel very different. I am loving every moment of it! Waking up at odd hours, changing gross diapers, and being spit up on seem almost fun. I love every little smile and every new accomplishment. I miss him at night when I don't see him for 6 hours. I cannot imagine life without him.

Which brings me to what is really on my mind....residency is quickly approaching. In one month from today, I begin my job. I am scared, no, not scared - TERRIFIED! Terrified that I could actually kill someone. Terrified that during my months off my brain has turned to mush, and I will look stupid. Terrified to find out if I made the right choice in specialty and program. But most of all, terrified about being away from my baby. And, we are not talking 40 hour work week, we are talking 80 hours a week. How this is possible I have not quite figured out. Over the past few weeks, I have thought "Would I actually like being a stay at home mom?" This thought lasts about 10 seconds and then I realize how bored I am already. I mean, I think I drive Matt crazy when he gets home because I have been so bored - and this is with everything that we have going on right now. So, while staying home would not be good for me and is not even an option, I wonder what the ideal situation would be, but realize I have no choice. In a way, this is perfect - I don't have to decide anything. I don't have the choice to give up my career.

So, with the 80 hour work week approaching, this is my promise. I will do everything in my power to be the best mother possible. I know that it will seem impossible at times to balance motherhood and work, but I know that I can do it. I will make sure that Carter smiles at me when I get home from work because he knows who I am. I will make sure that when he scrapes his knee he won't run past me to his dad. I will make sure that he knows and feels how much I love him. This is my promise.

Finally, I can say for sure that motherhood is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. I feel the light coming through the clouds. I hear the chorus singing every time he smiles. And, I already cannot wait for the next one. :)

What's in a Name?

My main job around our house right now is to begin the packing process. We are planning a big yard sale at our house with several of our friends, so my goal is to clean everything out before then and decide what to sell. I came across a box that had keepsakes including my old diaries. Looking through them I found an entry from October 2001 in which I had written down future children names. I listed four boys names, and guess what?!? Carter was one of them!! I totally did not even remember making this list or the fact that I had liked that name nine years ago. How amazing is that! I guess I haven't changed too much!

Occupation?

Yesterday I went to get a massage (wonderful!) and had to fill out an information sheet. It asked me my occupation. For the first time in 22 years (minus a one year break), my occupation is not "student." But, what is my occupation right now? Mother? Moving Coordinator? Landlord? (we have renters for our house!) Yard Sale Leader? Physician? So, after much deep thought I went with "Physician" because it was just fun to write. : )

Bath Fun!